In the Gospel of John, chapter 20, Jesus gave the Apostles the power to
forgive sins. We Catholics are not surprised by this because we know from
Scripture that God often uses other human beings as the agents of his
activity in the world : Abraham, Moses, the prophets. Among the many
reasons Jesus gave the Apostles this power to forgive, one is most certainly
pastoral. By confessing to a priest, one ordained and authorized by the
bishops, the successors of the Apostles, one can receive guidance and
advice; one can hear the consoling words of absolution and forgiveness; one
can be reconciled to the church community which the priest represents; one
can avoid fooling oneself as one can often do when he or she keeps things to
him or herself.
Yet, my experience as a priest and confessor moves me to suggest some
practical guidelines that will help people make better confessions. We have
all had people come to apologize to us and ask for our pardon. If we
reflect back on these experiences, we will remember that some did it better
than others. Some medical patients cooperate with their doctors better than
others. A better confession allows us to experience the mercy of God in
more profound ways.
My first suggestion is that penitents prepare for confession by making a
complete examination of conscience. If I wanted to apologize to my wife, if
I had one, for not being the best husband I could be, I would spend some
time thinking about all the different ways I may not be doing my best as a
husband. An examination of conscience is a remembering of as many specific
episodes of sin as one can remember; the more time one spends remembering,
the more things in the past one will remember. If someone at your work
asked you to tell them three ways off the top of your head that you could
improve as a worker, you may be liable to name three things that are not as
important as things that do not jump up at first thought. Upon deeper
reflection, you begin to see the more important things. It is the same way
when a person spends sufficient time making a complete examination of
conscience.
For some people, making a good examination of conscience means getting a
good book or pamphlet that goes through the commandments of God and the
precepts of the church. I would also suggest that one begin the examination
of conscience invoking the help of the Holy Spirit who sheds light on our
minds and moves our hearts. We can do nothing well without grace, God's
assistance.
A sincere apology is a complete apology. This is my second rule. Be as
thorough as you can. Certainly, we can say with the Psalmist, "Who can
number all his sins?" Normally, we cannot remember all our venial sins or
minor sins of omission - they are far too many to remember! But these minor
sins can easily be forgiven; we do not need to go to confession for venial
sins. But it is certainly true that we can more easily remember our mortal
sins. I would agree that one cannot remember every single incident
yesterday when one was distracted at prayer, somewhat inconsiderate towards
a person, did not notice someone needed my help. But I would find it hard
to believe that one cannot remember that one cheated on his taxes yesterday,
or had illicit relations, or ran off with $100 that did not belong to him.
Mortal sins have to be confessed in order to be forgiven (unless
circumstances prevent us from seeing a priest) and mortal sins can be, in
nearly all cases, easily remembered if we take the time to make an
examination of conscience, especially with the help of a good book.
The worst thing someone can do to you when apologizing to you is to make a
mockery of it by apologizing for one thing when he or she is guilty of two.
Willfully hiding a sin reveals an insincere heart. How can one say "I'm
sorry, but I won't admit what I'm sorry about." Thus the church teaches
that we sin all the more when we conceal a sin from the priest when we
confess.
My third advice is to be as specific as necessary without giving unnecessary
details. It does a doctor no good to tell him "I fell bad." In the same
way, it does no good to tell a priest "I did bad." The doctor needs to know
where you feel bad, how, when and under what circumstances. If your stomach
is upset, he needs to know what you ate, not who you ate it with. In the
same way, do not tell the priest the names of who you sin with or against,
or fill your confession with unnecessary detail that has nothing to do with
the heart of the matter.
But there is a difference between stealing paper clips from work and
stealing food from a hungry child. "Sinful relations" are sinful under all
circumstances, but there is a difference if you are single, married, a
person with the vow of chastity or obligation of celibacy. "Bad thoughts"
can mean a hundred things. "I am guilty of everything" is probably an
inaccurate statement if not a lie itself. So, be specific.
Believe it or not, some people go to confession to tell the priest how good
they are. "Bless me father for I have sinned. I try to be more patient. I
am doing better in my prayer life." These are wonderful things for which we
must praise God. But not in confession. Confession is for the confession
of sins, not virtues. That is my fourth advice.
And to be more precise, confess not just sin but specifically your sins, not
the sins of your husband, wife or children. "Father, I yelled at my husband
but he was drunk at the time." "Father, I struck my child but she wasn't
paying attention." When we confess this way, not only are we pointing
fingers, we are also using the alleged sins of others as an excuse for our
sins. In a way, we are saying, "I am not guilty, because it's really my
husband's fault that I yelled at him. If only he had not been drunk!" Then
why come to confession if you have no sins?
The fifth step may seem unusual to some. Not only should we confess sin
(not virtue), our own sins (and not those of others), we should also not
confess things that are not sins. "Father, I missed Mass last Sunday but I
was very sick." There is no sin in that, and we ought to know that. It
serves no purpose to bring it up in confession. Confession is for the
confession of sins, not non-sins.
Similarly, confession is not for the confession of temptations. Sins are
not temptations. Jesus himself was tempted. Sins are temptations we say
yes to. So if someone said to me in confession, "I was tempted to lie," I
would have to ask, "And did you lie?" If the answer is "no," then there is
no reason to bring it up in confession. What we should do when we
successfully say no to temptation is give thanks to God.
I do, however, advocate the confessing of doubtful sins. In other words, if
you are not sure if what you did is a sin or not, confession is the very
place where those doubts can be settled. Bring it before the priest and let
him assist you in clearing up what is foggy.
My last suggestion for making a good confession is not to expect confession
to be primarily a time for counseling and therapy. The Sacrament of
Reconciliation (penance or confession) is primarily for the removal of the
guilt we incur for committing mortal sin and for the restoring of
sanctifying grace in our lives. Once restored to sanctifying grace, once we
repair our relationship with God, then we can focus on improving that
relationship by working on those things in our lives that need improving.
That's where pastoral counseling can do its job. We cannot expect the
priest to "solve our problems" in the five or ten minutes we have in
confession. Go see the priest at another time, when both you and the priest
have put aside time to discuss deeper things with sufficient time, without
rushing.
A confession that is as complete as one can remember, that is done with
adequate preparation and examination, that is specific but brief, which does
not seek to excuse oneself or point out the sins of others, which confesses
sin and not non-sins, which brings up doubts about one's sins and which does
not attempt to turn the time into a counseling session - that is a good
confession, assuming that the more important things are also present. What
could be more important than these practical steps? Faith. Faith in the
mercy of God and in Jesus' use of the ordained to bring that mercy to you in
a concrete way through the Sacrament of Reconciliation.